my childhood under lock and key

i am completley, ultimatly pissed "to the max". im not sure when i've been this mad. i dont get to go to lindsay's this weekend because my mom "has never laid eyes on her parents, and even if she did, she still wouldnt let me because band camp starts in 4 days, and its 50 miles away... but she can come over here" WTF IS THAT?? big deal band camp is in four days... its FOUR DAYS. the only reason she never laid eyes on her parents is pbecause she never made an effort to get to know ANY of my friend's moms. NEVER. im fucking tired of being the hostess. everyone alwyas comes over here. i want to fucking get away. and i thought this weekend would be awesome, amazing, wonderful, anythinhg else great i can say. but no, i get nothing. lindsay's mom wouldnt hlet her drive this far, and its too expensive for gas anyway. so im sitting at home this weekend. being really fucking bored like i've done all summer. I HAVE NO LIFE AND IM COMPLETLY SHELTERED BY MY MOTHER. the only times i've been out of the county ALL summer is when i go to etown for something "strictly businesS" or when i go to glasgow with brittany and nathan, we went ONCE. im tired of being treated like im four. honestly... my mom offered to take me to lindsays for a few hours "and sit while youall visited for a while" ...fucking drop me off at day care while you're at it. everyone who always comes over loves my mom. but shes not like htat around me. she's got a fuckingbazillion personalities and i HATE it. she hates the way i dress. she wants me to loose even more weight. im just not good enough, shes ashamed of me around people she knows. ..but then again, so are alot of people. because i wear black eyeliner and chucks and dark shirts doesnt going to mean im going to eat your fucking liver while you're still alive. ARHG. then she started asking who my real friends are over here. and it just made me cry harder. its me and him, brittany and nathan. and the restof them are guys. cept the mitches. yeah shes going to let me spend the night at a guys house. does anyone else EVER see how much of a bitch my mom is? no, she's the perfect mom around the people she allows to be my friends. I HAVE GOOD JUDGEMENT. IF I THOUGHT THAT IT WAS WRONG OR I WOULD GET HURT TO DO SOMETHING OR GO SOMEWHERE I WOULDNT DO IT.

she's not a risk taker, and i think that bugs me almost more than wet socks.

i cried my self to sleep. btw i cry when im mad. and my feelings were hurt because she brought the fat thing into it. this WHOLE thing would have been avoided if she had just said "yes" or "i'll think about it" but nooo she had to go into a whole fucking ordeal about how it wasnt her fault that i was only 15... im 2 years away from moving out. and she wont let me go to one of my best friend's houses for the weekend. the logic just isnt there.

so i suppose the moral of the story is if you read this, and we had plans this weekend, come to the fiddelin fest friday night, and i should be there for a while. im sorry lindsay...i cant really help that my mom is a bitch. just come kidnap me sometime. ...and she STILL wants me to be with him. she brings him up ALL the time, talking about how I messed up(I MESSED UP?!?) and that he was the best thing that ever happened to me and he was the love of my life. ...im sorry but dont i chose who the love of my life is? or has something changed and my mother rules that part of my life too? ...i think brittany, nathan, justin and blake are the only ones who really know how much of a bitch my mom can be, im suprised that blake hasnt gotten the shit beat out of him (i still dont know what they heard on the phone 2 years ago that they STILL hate him)...i apoligize for anything bitchy my mom has ever said to you, or anyone. and im suprised brittany and nathan ever want to come over. BLEH.

in other words. fuck. im never going to get to grow up.

...blogging has just made me madder. but its kept me from explaining this to a ton of people indivudaly

less than backslash three darlings